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Codename Beef Stu: |
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10 Steps to Not Ending Up a Bloody Mess at the End of a Night of Heavy Drinking - by STU 1. DO NOT watch Fight Club before you go out drinking This often leads to the delusion that you are invincible and getting your head pounded into the ground doesn't hurt. Another unfortunate side effect is that you think your alter ego is a ripped Brad Pitt who can fuck anything that moves. Bad idea, usually ending in slaps, drinks in the face, and other such occurrences. 2. DO NOT drink heavily on an empty stomach Disobeying this rule usually gets you passed out on the bar or the floor much sooner than you anticipated. So eat something greasy, fattening, and disgusting, because if you're drinking heavily, this is probably the type of woman you are going to end up with. Deal with it. 3. DO NOT mix drinks No, I'm not talking that old beer before liquor shit, I'm talking about mixing Guinness, a Battery Acid, a Liquid Heroin, Jagrmeister, some Jungle Juice, and a pitcher of Red Death. If you do - hey, at least your puke will match your blood when you break your head open passing out on the ground. 4. DO NOT hit on other guys girlfriends Especially when the guy is 6'7, 260, and looks like the Rock. Wait a minute… that is the Rock… man, you are in some deep shit now… 5. DO NOT talk back to the bouncers Sure, the guy is 5 foot nothing and looks like Steve Erkel. But chances are that he's got 4 big, meathead, 'roid ragin' gorillas hidden somewhere in the bar that won't hesitate to introduce your nogan to the pavement. And even worse, the next time you go back to the bar, your cover has jumped to 500% the going rate, and Erkel tells everyone in line that he kicked your ass. 6. DO NOT head butt inanimate objects As a wily veteran of headbutt antics, let me tell you that the only things you should headbutt are live beings: other drunks like yourself, testosterone jacked manly men, and small furry animals. Try to avoid: women and children, steel doors, cop cars and the ground (see Rule #9). 7. DO NOT drink on antibiotics Let's do the math: Antibiotics + Alcohol = Pass Out. Pass Out + Ground = Broken nose. Broken nose = Bloody Mess. Bloody Mess = Bad. That's your lesson for today kids, let's move on. 8. DO NOT get into drinking contests with sober people and alcoholics Face it, when you drink, you feel like you can do anything. Like that 16 oz cup of flaming 151 that the sober asshole just challenged you to do. And please, for the love of God, stay away from alcoholics. "Step back, ladies and gentlemen. These men are professionals and should be left alone to do their job." 9. DO NOT get in a fight with the ground Trust me on this one - fighting the ground is like fighting Tyson. Just don't do it. I've tried many a time, and have never won. (But once I did go the distance, but I lost in a split decision. I think the fight was rigged. Don King was promoting it.) 10. DO NOT, NEVER EVER, DO WHAT MIKE SMO TELLS YOU TO DO WHEN YOU ARE FUCKING WASTED. Especially if you are Steve Sanders. |
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Suavalicious fashion is gonna drop the smooth "Big Daddy" shirt in the spring line. Blaze it for some pimp action status. ...................................... Ya still hungry? ... have more stew! 1. This Month's Stew 2. The "DO NOT" List 3. Power Hour 
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